Have you ever found yourself lying awake at night, unable to sleep because you’re worrying about a problem at work, or in your relationship, or in any other part of your life? Try as you might, you can’t quiet your mind enough to fall asleep. Or maybe you’ve been at work or school but felt unable to focus because your mind is thinking endlessly about something that’s distressing you.

Sometimes the problem is objectively serious: losing your job, facing a tough medical diagnosis, or going through a breakup. Other times the problem isn’t even an actual problem yet, just a fear about something that might happen, such as an exam you might not pass, a date who might not want to get together again, or a job interview you may not have nailed. Sometimes the problem isn’t in the situation at all, but in the loop in our own mind: replaying conversations we’ve had, regretting things we said or didn’t say, or feeling triggered by something someone else said or did—something that left us feeling angry or hurt or anxious.

Whatever the problem is, your mind is preoccupied with solving it, reworking it, or finding a way to fix it or view it differently. Whether the problems are real or imagined, external or internal, they all trigger the same stress response in our brains and bodies.

The problem of “thinking too much,” or rumination, is a curious thing: It’s both a reflection of our distress (anxiety, depression, anger, hurt) and a cause of that same distress. The more we ruminate about whatever is upsetting us, the worse we tend to feel, and the deeper we are pulled into our rumination. Thinking too much, then, creates a vicious downward cycle of suffering. And when it keeps us up at night, we can end up frustrated and exhausted.

The problem of “thinking too much,” is both a reflection of our distress (anxiety, fear, anger, hurt) and a cause of that same distress.

Of all the symptoms of distress psychologists have studied around the world, rumination is more common across cultures, and more distressing to people, than almost any other symptom. It goes by many names: kunfungisisa among the Shona in Zimbabwe, reflechi twop in Haiti, and kut caraeun in Cambodia. In my research in Afghanistan, people rated “thinking too much” as the most common symptom of everyday suffering; it is similarly pervasive throughout the Middle East, including among the Syrian refugees I worked with in Lebanon.

There’s a wonderful saying: When you’re digging yourself into a hole, the first thing is to put the shovel down. It’s the terrible paradox of rumination that the more we ruminate, the worse we feel, and the more intensely we continue ruminating. It’s as though we believe that if we think hard enough about whatever’s distressing us, we can solve it or find a helpful perspective on it, and then we’ll finally feel relief. In fact, what we usually feel is beaten down, stressed out, and thoroughly distracted.

Instead of putting the shovel down, we feel compelled to dig deeper. That’s no way to get out of a hole.

There has to be a better way. Thankfully, there is.

The first step is to take a step back from the rumination by shifting our attention out of it. Simple mindfulness strategies can be enormously helpful here. Bring your attention to your breath, either taking deeper, slower breaths, or using ratio breathing in which you breathe in to a count of 3, then extend your exhale to a count of 4, 5, 6, or even longer. The long exhale shifts us into a parasympathetic or “rest and digest” state, slowing our heart rate and signaling the brain’s alarm center (the amygdala) that we are safe now, and it can turn off the red alert.

If you need movement to help with Step 1, try going for a walk, a run, or a bike ride, or doing a brief yoga routine, making sure to focus on the experience of the movement or the scenery that surrounds you. It can be helpful to find an engaging activity that requires your full attention, forcing your mind to refocus away from the problem and onto the activity. For me, gym climbing is a great activity for this. I have clients who find that spending a half hour playing an instrument or doing some weightlifting pulls them out of their rumination. Sex is a great way to step back from thinking too much, though rumination can sometimes impair arousal.

The second step is to notice when our minds start to return to rumination. When you notice this happening, that’s when the real work begins. Notice the pull and how powerful it feels, almost like the craving of an addiction. Notice the mind’s pull to start ruminating again and gently say “No thanks” and come back to whatever activity you’re doing. It gets easier with repetition, but at first, it can be tough to resist the powerful urge to return to ruminating. Fortunately, you may notice very quickly that as you resist the urge, your mind and your body are already starting to relax.

The third step is to explore the feelings driving the rumination. Rumination is the mind’s way of trying to solve a problem, and the problem is not just “out there” in the world; it’s also within us: It’s the fear we’re trying to minimize, the grief we won’t want to experience, the hurt or loneliness or shame we are trying to avoid. Can you identify the feelings underlying your rumination? Can you open up to them and make space for them? Maybe name what you are feeling, or write about it in a journal, or talk to the part of you that’s so distressed in a comforting, reassuring way. Try talking about the underlying feelings with someone you trust, being careful to avoid focusing on problem-solving (that’s just a return to rumination), and stay focused on the feelings. As you explore the feelings underlying your rumination, you may find that the urge to ruminate lessens considerably. You no longer need to overthink in order to avoid feelings you have made space for.

We often ruminate about real problems requiring real solutions, and I’m certainly not advocating that we should abandon our efforts to solve real-world problems. But there’s a time for that, and healthy ways to explore how we might do some real-world problem-solving. Paradoxically, once we break what psychologists call “the set” of ruminative thinking by stepping back from it, solutions sometimes arise organically, as if out of the blue. By becoming wholly present in whatever we are doing, and not getting lost in ruminative distress, we relax our minds enough to allow new perspectives and new solutions to arise.